Oh, responsibility? No thanks.

Let me give you some visual representations of what "ohmygoshimsobusyidontevenknowwhoiamanymore" looks like:

This was my desk when I was setting up my classroom. So neat. So organized. Such an empty calendar.

Here is my desk now and this my desk now and it's not even a realistic picture because my laptop is sitting in my chair and I barely showed the amount of clutter that is ungraded papers, workbooks, lunch counts, saltine crackers (aka breakfast), dirty coffee cups, inclusion papers I need to sign, expo markers, sweet notes from my students… need I go on?

Here is what my sunroom looked like this summer. So clean. So vacuumed. My favorite place to drink coffee in the mornings for as long as I wanted to.

Here is what my sunroom looks like now. It is the result of, "Crap, we need to do laundry because we need this shirt to wear tomorrow." and "All these other clothes are stupid and I'm tired so I'm not going to put them away." to "Where are my brown work pants? Oh, here they are with all these other piles of clothes that aren't where they go." *grabs pants that are needed and has no intention of putting the rest away* And there are my 16 days early birthday presents and I can't explain the rest because I'm tired just looking at it. 

Here is what our new puppy Scout looked like before school started. So tiny. Can't even hold his ears up himself. So shy.

Here is what Scout looks like now. Still tiny but double the size he used to be. So hyper. So vocal. Those ears hear everything.

HOW IS THAT THE SAME DOG!?

Here's the deal about my dogs, y'all. I know I'm not a mom. I know that. But I'm also not NOT a mom. I get woken up in the middle of the night from crying barks if they are hungry or need to pee. I've cleaned up more poop and urine from our floors than anyone ever should, honestly I WISH I could expect it to be in a diaper attached to there butts instead of a sleepy walk to the bathroom in the night and… squish.. "SCOOOOUUTTT!! NO POOPING IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!" My nice things are chewed up. My house isn't as clean as it could be (not sure if the dogs are at fault here).

Sure, unlike a human baby I can just put them outside for a couple of hours and not have CPS called on me. And I love them. I DO. I love them so much, but guys… I'm not NOT a mom.

Getting this new puppy right in the thick of us starting a career probably not the smartest thing we've ever done. But here we are - a new "baby", a new career, and EXHAUSTED.

I love my job. I love my 51 kids. My goodness, it is not easy though. I work hours before and past "work time" and then in my head for hours when I should be sleeping. Sometimes when my alarm rings in the morning or when I work all day and still have so much work to do I'm like

My drawn out point being - it's really easy to be selfish when you're so worn out.

When I first read that I thought to myself, "Ah, crap. I do that."

Most of us are so guilty of wishing and waiting for things to be easier. We keep waiting and waiting and then all the sudden our life has passed us by. I can't believe that I used to think life was hard when I was 20 years old and in college. I can't believe that I used to think student teaching was so hard. I know someday when I am really a mom to a human baby I will kick myself for thinking having a PUPPY was hard.

Bottom line - I don't want to wait anymore for my life to turn into whatever image I have in my head that it will be. The truth is I have a BILLION things I love about my life. It's okay that it isn't always comfortable or easy.

My antidote for the selfish pity party problems I have, is to try and do things that are completely selfless.

Whenever I feel the human impulse of "wahhhhh poor me!!" I want fill it with, "what could I do to help people around me?"

Today I gave my co-workers some encouraging goodie bags to start off our second 6 weeks, and guess what!? I'M the one who had an amazing day. This week I had the privilege of organizing a fund raiser for nephew Hayes, and it rewarded ME so much more than I ever thought it would to be able to see God's people rally together and support a family in need.

Life is hard. It JUST is. It looks different to all of us, but we all feel it. The grind. The responsibilities. The pressures. The burden of it ALL. You're not in it alone. Call me, we can vent about it all.
And sometimes you just need to…

This post was inspired by my amazing husband who works twice as hard as a I do and encourages me daily.