Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Why growing up feels weird

Here I am, weeks away from being a first-time mom. While most of me is sooooo ready for it all, a part of me feels really weird that I am this grown up.

Here's a situation that happened today: We need to set up our pediatrician for our son before he arrives. As I was looking and reading about one that I need to call and talk to and figure everything out with, I thought to myself, "I wish my mom would just call them and do this for me".

Then it hit me... I AM THE MOM NOW.

I am the one that my son is going to need to call and set up doctors appointments. I am the one who will have to figure out the hard stuff for him till he's old enough.

After that strange realization then I checked my TimeHop app. Which happens to be one of my favorite apps, but it always makes me feel weird too.

This season of life 7 years ago I was a senior in high school wrapping up my last couple of weeks as a high school student. School was a joke, I don't know how but I had like 4 off periods and my friends and I seemed to always be going on some adventure. We were running off to the lake every warm day that existed, dying each others hair in the middle of the night, driving around our tiny town with music as loud as we could in our crappy high school cars.  All the while our moms were still making all our meals and doing all our laundry!!! Care. Free.

Then theres 6, 5, 4 years ago. College years. THE BEST. We were still doing spontaneous things all the time, we just had to care about school now a little bit more than in high school. We also had to do our own laundry and find our own food now. I lived with 6 girls and there was never a dull moment. There was always someone at the house to go eat with or run to target with, talk a walk around ACU with. Always fun to be had, always.


3 years ago I was getting ready to get married. What an exciting time!! I was planning my wedding and my life with Judson. We were on cloud 9 in love and daydreaming of our futures. 

2 years ago at this time we were married and getting ready for Judson to graduate. Our whole first year of marriage we were still in school, so it was basically just like playing house. It was AWESOME. We didn't know true adulthood or responsibility yet, we were just 23 year olds in love and married, trying to figure everything out. We would always be doing something - going golfing, running, fishing, walking, road tripping, shopping, ALWAYS doing something together. In the spring we started interviewing  for our first jobs, packing our house up, and having a garage sale to have some summer money. We were about to make our first big move together and really start our adulthood. 

1 year ago we were wrapping up our first year of teaching in a tiny town far away from everything and everyone we knew. It was definitely a year of growth, but we got to grow together. We worked down the hall from each other so we got to eat lunch together every day and we were all we had. Attached at the hip the whole year. I was always getting ready to run my second half marathon. We got offered new jobs so we also were preparing and packing our house up to move AGAIN. 

Now here I am today, weeks away from being a mom for the first time. I think a part of it feels weird because even though I'm years older now, I am still the girl who likes to run off to the lake whenever it's warm outside, and not stay indoors or get the laundry finished. I'm still the girl who likes spontaneous night time walks, and not 8:30-9:00 bedtimes. I'm still the girl who likes to go and do and see, and not be tied down by responsibilities and stuck in routine.

I think a part of us all feels that way, no matter how old you are. While change is good and new seasons always bring new blessings, you are still always that person somewhere down deep you were years ago. That's why adulthood can seem so suppressive. Somedays I want to just run down the street like a crazy person because I'm craving adventure so bad. 

Life is full of ebb and flow, though. In a couple of weeks my life will change in ways I can't even mentally prepare for. And even though I'm going to be the rock solid that my son relies on for needs and consistency and I will be the one who makes his doctor appointment calls, I think it's important he know that his momma is someone who likes to go and do and see and create and learn. I hope he is all those things as well. It's all about balance - and sometimes balancing feels weird. 

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