I love myself and I hate myself

Title of this post is unapologetically brought to you by Harvard Sailing Team. If you haven't ever seen it, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY and go watch it on YouTube.

Now, I don't know about you, but I get kind of obsessed with things. Wanna be a baker? YES, obsessed. Wanna be the best teacher in the world? YES, obsessed. Wanna be a Suzy Homemaker? YES, obsessed. Active health enthusiast? Obsessed. Play guitar? Make a career of modpodging everything? Be a tree farmer? OBSESSED, OBSESSED, OBSESSED.

I think you get it. I get an idea - run with it like a mad woman - then fizzle out - find something new to be obsessed with.

You know what my problem is? I put my self worth in all these sorts of things, then when I see that I may not be THEABSOLUTEBESTEVER at it, I say uh… Nevermind. BYE. On to something new.

There is nothing wrong with being passionate about a bunch of different things and there's nothing wrong with trying new things.
There is a problem when you put who you are into these things. Because when you fail - and you WILL fail at things in life - you get the feeling and insecurity at failing at who you are. 

Let me give you some examples:

Example A:
I have started a new self-improvement, exercise plan, nutrition plan, etc, etc. about 3,492,214 times.

And then, whenever I eat a half pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream - BECAUSE I WILL - I say well forget it! I failed. I suck. I'll try again some other time to do this perfectly. 

And I keep starting over. and over. and over. and over. and over.

When really I could just say to myself, "Well that was a slip up, but it's fine! I'm strong. I'm capable of not slipping up again tomorrow." But I don't. I feel guilty and frustrated at my lack of perfection, and then just sorry for myself. 

Example B:
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a teacher. It is a passion rooted deep within me and I know God made me to do it.

But hey, did you know? Have you heard? TEACHING IS HARD. Do you know what it feels like to have your career depend on the performance of children? Now I wouldn't trade it for the world but do you know what happens when you put your self worth in the children you teach?

You feel like a failure. Every day. Because a student won't understand how you taught something, or they will roll their eyes at you when you give instructions, or they will whisper and pass notes while you're talking, or they will forget what they learned yesterday, or they will fail a test that you reviewed every question and you have to just be like….

Till the end of the day when your like…

BOTTOM LINE - It's time to stop putting self worth into things I can't control and instead into the unchanging, unwavering, rock of the Lord. 

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14

God knit me together. My health doesn't knit me together. My teaching career doesn't knit me together. Nor does anything else I decide to put my self worth into. 

So here I am, declaring a couple of things so that I won't throw my hands up shouting "I'm done" every time I fall short - because I will fall short. I want to be a woman of persistence. 

I'm running a half marathon on April 26th.

Yes. I'm declaring it. I've been wanting to ever since the last one I ran almost 3 years ago, and every time I get slightly off my training plan - I quit. But this time I'm doing it. There will be times I don't get all my training runs in, but I'm doing it. And yes, I'm so out of shape AGAIN, that I'm starting from the rock bottom of 1 mile endurance. 

I'm letting go of the fact I can't save every student I ever have.

I do a small self-torture routine every day when I feel like I'm not reaching every single student and changing the world instantly. Oh, also the STARR test pressure really sucks. SO from now on I'm just going to keep teaching my booty off every day and being the most positive light I can. And when student's don't care what I have to say - because the won't - I'm not going to let that discourage me from coming back and doing it all again tomorrow with even more enthusiasm. 

I want to always have goals and work toward them not because they will define me, but because The Lord gave me the strength, health, knowledge, and ability to do so and glorify Him through the process.

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

So what are you letting define your self worth? What is unavoidably failing you and making you feel like you are failing? What steps could you take to let your goals and passions empower you instead of discourage you?